Wine Review #1

Chop House Cabernet Sauvignon 2017

If Princess Sofia drank wine this would be her go to. The mouth feel is soft yet velvety and it has a sneaking hint of vanilla at the back of the mouth. It’s a little juicy – it brings to mind Trader Joe’s half-the-sugar apple juice boxes; slightly sweet but not cloying. The fragrance hits you on the nose with almost a slight floral scent bringing to mind a cabbage patch doll frolicking amongst a field of black currant.

Pairs well with stale black pepper triscuits, but not the name brand, the Aldis store brand. Enjoy with red meat, preferably whole not processed and in a tube, but in a pinch this can stand up to the acidity of ketchup and toddler temper tantrums.

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Mom Pick up Lines

We all know those lines that gave us lady boners in our 20’s flew right out the box when that baby flew out of our box. So what gets moms of young toddlers going?

The dishwasher is empty

Nothing gets the mama juices running faster than some chore play. And I’m not talking just loading a few spoons into the dishwasher and calling it a day, I want dishes to completion. Cleaned, dried, put away in the right place and the right order, oh baby. You so clean you dirty.

I’ll put the kids to bed

Oh hell yes, you know who else you’ll be putting to bed?

So I was just reading on Kellymom

You mean to tell me when you were upstairs taking one of your epic monster 30 minute shits you were reading a breastfeeding blog not ESPN (or at least not the whole time)? My good man.


Let’s be honest, when you have young kids sleep becomes currency. You offer me an uninterrupted night of sleep I’ll put out faster than a hooker at Mardi Gras (does that even make sense? I don’t know I’m too sleep deprived).

Shirtless Ian Malcolm

Don’t over think it.

Cancelled Plans

I love a good outing with my children. Haha fuck you. As much as I love leaving the house with my horde of humans cancelled plans and the opportunity to stay on the couch in my yoga pants and three day old mom bun is my jam. And if that visual doesn’t get the old peg leg hopping I don’t know what will.

Silver Fox Ian Malcolm

You’re a fine wine, my friend.

I called the babysitter

Ain’t nothing sexier than a man with a plan.

But the sexiest thing your partner can do?

This shit right here.

Especially if your partner is Jeff Goldblum. Is he even married? I should find out. No I shouldn’t just kidding.

I’m probably going to google it.

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I’ve been a stay at home mom since my daughter was 18 months old. It has been the biggest and most wonderful blessing of my life. Since I started staying home with her we’ve added two more loud and lovely ladies to our crew and my oldest just flew the coop to kindergarten.

It’s amazing and exhausting and wonderful and I AM SO DAMN BORED.

I listen to the same theme song over and over again, it’s jarring notes cascading into my brain and assaulting my senses. I’m harassed 87 times a day for a snack. I grocery shop, fold laundry, wipes noses and asses and troll Pinterest just to feel a special brand of inadequate.

If you had to get out multiple cookie cutters to make your toddlers lunch we can’t be friends.

I am stuck in the groundhogs day that is early motherhood, it is grinding and exhausting. That doesn’t mean it isn’t wonderful, it doesn’t mean I would trade it for anything but it’s ok to exist in the duality of overwhelming joy and soul crushing boredom.

I know in ten years I’ll crave these simple years of paw patrol and goldfish. Old ladies in the checkout at the grocery store have told me many times. When my girls are lining up to roll their eyes at me and slip out the door on their way to a friends house alone I’ll stare at my empty living room and miss when it was scattered with toys and granola bar wrappers. But it doesn’t mean I’m any less bored out of my skull most days when the most intellectual question I get is whether Nala and Simba are indeed brother and sister (BUT FOR REAL ARE THEY?)

But like, for real, they are aren’t they??

There are many days where I want to join an all moms fight club just to feel alive again but I’m learning to sit with the boredom. I’m learning the great art of just being, of observing my children and soaking in the precious and fleeting seconds of their childhood. I’d say I achieve this higher level of being for about 17 seconds a day but it’s a work in progress.

So to all the other bored moms out there who haven’t changed your yoga pants in a week and are tripping on dry shampoo fumes I see you. It’s ok to be so blissfully and incredibly bored you want to jump out of your skin on a daily basis. It’s ok to fantasize about sending a nuclear warhead straight at the bubble gup while stroking your toddlers downy head and realizing you wouldn’t trade this shit for the world.

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