The Bald Beaver

The more children I’ve had the less time I’ve had to devote to any sort of personal grooming. It falls down on the priority list, as so many other things do, lapsing in to a seldom thought of activity. It’s only when I have to don a swimsuit that I even consider the woolly mammoth south of the border.

To that end, and tired of razor burn I decided it was time to outsource to the professionals.

Now before I proceed let me be clear – I fully support the right of every man and woman to remove as much or as little hair as they want. This is my personal preference, and i can still smash the patriarchy with a hairless Chewbacca.

I would now like to describe my experience waxing the whisker basket through the many and varied facial stylings of acclaimed actor Willem Dafoe.

The night before. Current situation:


Ideal situation:

So we call and make the appointment. How bad can this be?

2:34pm: Driving to the appointment. The naive optimist.

2:42pm. I meet my pubic hair stylist. To protect her innocence her identity has been withheld but let’s call her Olga because that sounds appropriate for the torture she’s about to unleash on the most tender and sensitive parts of my body.

2:47pm: “So I haven’t had a wax in like 8 or 9 years.”

“Oh so you know what to expect. You’ll do fine honey.”

2:48pm:

2:51pm:

2:53pm: “So, are we almost done?”


“No honey we’re just getting started.”

3:01pm


I’ve given birth. Several times in fact. And what I’ve learned from that experience is next time I get a wax I’m getting an epidural first.

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Birthdays that never were

Today could have been a birthday. A 4th birthday to be exact.

A day of cakes, candles and flimsy paw patrol plates. A toothy grin, blue icing smeared chin and oh so very much love.

But today was just a regular, boring, wonderful day. Today we went grocery shopping with your sisters. There have been two since we lost you. Two gummy grins that have helped heal the tear in our hearts of what might have been. Two sweet babies held in our arms while you are held only in our hearts.

Today is a could’ve day. A day to ponder the ramshackle roads life didn’t take us down. But today is also a day to love and cherish the life we have. The three beautiful girls we hold in our arms and the two sweet souls we hold in our heart.

Sweet child, you never had a day. You never even had your picture taken, we lost you too soon. The memory of the day we lost you is fading – the searing pain is dulled and dusty. But today will always be my day to think of what you might have been.

Today could have been a birthday but today is just a today.

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MLM’s are Coming

It’s that special time of year. January – when resolutions abound and the slingers of juice, smoothies and supplements go crazy. If you’re on social media and have anywhere between 1 and 874 pounds to lose doubtless you’ve seen the message.

“Hi Hannah! Omg it’s been so long!!” The classless canary trills. You reach deep into your memory and far back in her facebook album to sleuth up some form of a connection.

“Your kids are sooooooooo cute (insert multiple heart related emojis here) I just want to bite them/squish their faces/make turkey gravy out of their thighs

“Anyways I know we haven’t spoken since the Civil War but I just wanted to touch base with you because I’ve recently launched my business selling pure science based activia reorienting chi-consuming tea supplements. They’re rectal suppositories you insert 6 times a day to help cleanse your body of toxins. After the holiday your small intestine is holding on to pounds of sludge, toxins, gluten, tinsel and bad karma. Our patented system is the only one on the market that’s clinically proven by no less than 2 scientists who have not yet lost their medical license to help you lose weight fast so you can fit back into those yoga pants you’ve been holding on to!

I know it can be expensive but for only $19.99 a day you can be a whole new you! Energy! Pizzazz! Hair like Elton John! The ass of a Kardashian (legal has told us we need to make it clear that it will be Rob Kardashians ass, but he still has a pretty juicy booty, am i right ladies??). You drink coffee every day! More than one cup! Mom Life, right?? *FAKE BRITTLE LAUGH TO TRY AND FIND SOME COMMON GROUND WHILE MY SOUL IS BEING CRUSHED BY MOUNTING CREDIT CARD DEBT**

What about giving up those 5 cups of Starbucks everyday to launch yourself in to a whole new you?

But I’ll make the deal even sweeter! Join my down line and you’ll earn free products and if you work hard enough your very own yacht!! (*yacht sold seperately)

So what do you say, are you ready for me to introduce you to the new you? Spots at convention are selling out fast, what do you say we book this? Tulsa, Baby!! It’s $299 a night all inclusive, all you have to pay for is your hotel room, airfare, meals, transportation, CEO’s airfare from Houston and his legal bills for income tax fraud. And did I mention the SWAG?? Last year we got IPod shuffle’s!! Well, our table had to share one, but still it had some sick Britney preloaded on it!

So what do you say, champ? Are you ready for the first day of the rest of your life, Melissa? I can’t wait to have you on my team!!”

Now let me be clear, I don’t bear animosity towards all MLM’s – but in general their predatory behavior towards economically disadvantaged stay at home moms should be illegal. A company that truly believes in their product will pay someone a living wage with benefits to market and distribute, not rely on consumers to guilt trip their friends and family.

So this season maybe skip my name in your inbox. Because I just had a fucking baby and if someone tells me I need to lose the baby weight I may eat them.

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New Years Resolution

You wont see me swearing to lose weight this New Years (even if I maybe should. I see you baby weight, and I know you’re not going anywhere.)

What if, instead of making a resolution about losing weight or losing a bad habit we decided to be creative. Create something new everyday this year.

Create the perfect cup of coffee, or a beautiful piece of art work. Even create the perfect human. Just create. Add something to this universe instead of focusing on the flaws within yourself.

Create a new habit of joy and peace within yourself. Create a group around you that support your love and joy. Create a new playlist. Just create.

Happy New Years, my loves. May 2019 find us in a beautiful and peaceful environment of our own creation.

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