The Bald Beaver

The more children I’ve had the less time I’ve had to devote to any sort of personal grooming. It falls down on the priority list, as so many other things do, lapsing in to a seldom thought of activity. It’s only when I have to don a swimsuit that I even consider the woolly mammoth south of the border.

To that end, and tired of razor burn I decided it was time to outsource to the professionals.

Now before I proceed let me be clear – I fully support the right of every man and woman to remove as much or as little hair as they want. This is my personal preference, and i can still smash the patriarchy with a hairless Chewbacca.

I would now like to describe my experience waxing the whisker basket through the many and varied facial stylings of acclaimed actor Willem Dafoe.

The night before. Current situation:


Ideal situation:

So we call and make the appointment. How bad can this be?

2:34pm: Driving to the appointment. The naive optimist.

2:42pm. I meet my pubic hair stylist. To protect her innocence her identity has been withheld but let’s call her Olga because that sounds appropriate for the torture she’s about to unleash on the most tender and sensitive parts of my body.

2:47pm: “So I haven’t had a wax in like 8 or 9 years.”

“Oh so you know what to expect. You’ll do fine honey.”

2:48pm:

2:51pm:

2:53pm: “So, are we almost done?”


“No honey we’re just getting started.”

3:01pm


I’ve given birth. Several times in fact. And what I’ve learned from that experience is next time I get a wax I’m getting an epidural first.

Birthdays that never were

Today could have been a birthday. A 4th birthday to be exact.

A day of cakes, candles and flimsy paw patrol plates. A toothy grin, blue icing smeared chin and oh so very much love.

But today was just a regular, boring, wonderful day. Today we went grocery shopping with your sisters. There have been two since we lost you. Two gummy grins that have helped heal the tear in our hearts of what might have been. Two sweet babies held in our arms while you are held only in our hearts.

Today is a could’ve day. A day to ponder the ramshackle roads life didn’t take us down. But today is also a day to love and cherish the life we have. The three beautiful girls we hold in our arms and the two sweet souls we hold in our heart.

Sweet child, you never had a day. You never even had your picture taken, we lost you too soon. The memory of the day we lost you is fading – the searing pain is dulled and dusty. But today will always be my day to think of what you might have been.

Today could have been a birthday but today is just a today.

MLM’s are Coming

It’s that special time of year. January – when resolutions abound and the slingers of juice, smoothies and supplements go crazy. If you’re on social media and have anywhere between 1 and 874 pounds to lose doubtless you’ve seen the message.

“Hi Hannah! Omg it’s been so long!!” The classless canary trills. You reach deep into your memory and far back in her facebook album to sleuth up some form of a connection.

“Your kids are sooooooooo cute (insert multiple heart related emojis here) I just want to bite them/squish their faces/make turkey gravy out of their thighs

“Anyways I know we haven’t spoken since the Civil War but I just wanted to touch base with you because I’ve recently launched my business selling pure science based activia reorienting chi-consuming tea supplements. They’re rectal suppositories you insert 6 times a day to help cleanse your body of toxins. After the holiday your small intestine is holding on to pounds of sludge, toxins, gluten, tinsel and bad karma. Our patented system is the only one on the market that’s clinically proven by no less than 2 scientists who have not yet lost their medical license to help you lose weight fast so you can fit back into those yoga pants you’ve been holding on to!

I know it can be expensive but for only $19.99 a day you can be a whole new you! Energy! Pizzazz! Hair like Elton John! The ass of a Kardashian (legal has told us we need to make it clear that it will be Rob Kardashians ass, but he still has a pretty juicy booty, am i right ladies??). You drink coffee every day! More than one cup! Mom Life, right?? *FAKE BRITTLE LAUGH TO TRY AND FIND SOME COMMON GROUND WHILE MY SOUL IS BEING CRUSHED BY MOUNTING CREDIT CARD DEBT**

What about giving up those 5 cups of Starbucks everyday to launch yourself in to a whole new you?

But I’ll make the deal even sweeter! Join my down line and you’ll earn free products and if you work hard enough your very own yacht!! (*yacht sold seperately)

So what do you say, are you ready for me to introduce you to the new you? Spots at convention are selling out fast, what do you say we book this? Tulsa, Baby!! It’s $299 a night all inclusive, all you have to pay for is your hotel room, airfare, meals, transportation, CEO’s airfare from Houston and his legal bills for income tax fraud. And did I mention the SWAG?? Last year we got IPod shuffle’s!! Well, our table had to share one, but still it had some sick Britney preloaded on it!

So what do you say, champ? Are you ready for the first day of the rest of your life, Melissa? I can’t wait to have you on my team!!”

Now let me be clear, I don’t bear animosity towards all MLM’s – but in general their predatory behavior towards economically disadvantaged stay at home moms should be illegal. A company that truly believes in their product will pay someone a living wage with benefits to market and distribute, not rely on consumers to guilt trip their friends and family.

So this season maybe skip my name in your inbox. Because I just had a fucking baby and if someone tells me I need to lose the baby weight I may eat them.

New Years Resolution

You wont see me swearing to lose weight this New Years (even if I maybe should. I see you baby weight, and I know you’re not going anywhere.)

What if, instead of making a resolution about losing weight or losing a bad habit we decided to be creative. Create something new everyday this year.

Create the perfect cup of coffee, or a beautiful piece of art work. Even create the perfect human. Just create. Add something to this universe instead of focusing on the flaws within yourself.

Create a new habit of joy and peace within yourself. Create a group around you that support your love and joy. Create a new playlist. Just create.

Happy New Years, my loves. May 2019 find us in a beautiful and peaceful environment of our own creation.

Wine Review #1

Chop House Cabernet Sauvignon 2017

If Princess Sofia drank wine this would be her go to. The mouth feel is soft yet velvety and it has a sneaking hint of vanilla at the back of the mouth. It’s a little juicy – it brings to mind Trader Joe’s half-the-sugar apple juice boxes; slightly sweet but not cloying. The fragrance hits you on the nose with almost a slight floral scent bringing to mind a cabbage patch doll frolicking amongst a field of black currant.

Pairs well with stale black pepper triscuits, but not the name brand, the Aldis store brand. Enjoy with red meat, preferably whole not processed and in a tube, but in a pinch this can stand up to the acidity of ketchup and toddler temper tantrums.

Mom Pick up Lines

We all know those lines that gave us lady boners in our 20’s flew right out the box when that baby flew out of our box. So what gets moms of young toddlers going?

The dishwasher is empty

Nothing gets the mama juices running faster than some chore play. And I’m not talking just loading a few spoons into the dishwasher and calling it a day, I want dishes to completion. Cleaned, dried, put away in the right place and the right order, oh baby. You so clean you dirty.

I’ll put the kids to bed

Oh hell yes, you know who else you’ll be putting to bed?

So I was just reading on Kellymom

You mean to tell me when you were upstairs taking one of your epic monster 30 minute shits you were reading a breastfeeding blog not ESPN (or at least not the whole time)? My good man.

Sleep

Let’s be honest, when you have young kids sleep becomes currency. You offer me an uninterrupted night of sleep I’ll put out faster than a hooker at Mardi Gras (does that even make sense? I don’t know I’m too sleep deprived).

Shirtless Ian Malcolm

Don’t over think it.

Cancelled Plans

I love a good outing with my children. Haha fuck you. As much as I love leaving the house with my horde of humans cancelled plans and the opportunity to stay on the couch in my yoga pants and three day old mom bun is my jam. And if that visual doesn’t get the old peg leg hopping I don’t know what will.

Silver Fox Ian Malcolm

You’re a fine wine, my friend.

I called the babysitter

Ain’t nothing sexier than a man with a plan.

But the sexiest thing your partner can do?

This shit right here.

Especially if your partner is Jeff Goldblum. Is he even married? I should find out. No I shouldn’t just kidding.

I’m probably going to google it.


Bored.

I’ve been a stay at home mom since my daughter was 18 months old. It has been the biggest and most wonderful blessing of my life. Since I started staying home with her we’ve added two more loud and lovely ladies to our crew and my oldest just flew the coop to kindergarten.

It’s amazing and exhausting and wonderful and I AM SO DAMN BORED.

I listen to the same theme song over and over again, it’s jarring notes cascading into my brain and assaulting my senses. I’m harassed 87 times a day for a snack. I grocery shop, fold laundry, wipes noses and asses and troll Pinterest just to feel a special brand of inadequate.

If you had to get out multiple cookie cutters to make your toddlers lunch we can’t be friends.

I am stuck in the groundhogs day that is early motherhood, it is grinding and exhausting. That doesn’t mean it isn’t wonderful, it doesn’t mean I would trade it for anything but it’s ok to exist in the duality of overwhelming joy and soul crushing boredom.

I know in ten years I’ll crave these simple years of paw patrol and goldfish. Old ladies in the checkout at the grocery store have told me many times. When my girls are lining up to roll their eyes at me and slip out the door on their way to a friends house alone I’ll stare at my empty living room and miss when it was scattered with toys and granola bar wrappers. But it doesn’t mean I’m any less bored out of my skull most days when the most intellectual question I get is whether Nala and Simba are indeed brother and sister (BUT FOR REAL ARE THEY?)

But like, for real, they are aren’t they??

There are many days where I want to join an all moms fight club just to feel alive again but I’m learning to sit with the boredom. I’m learning the great art of just being, of observing my children and soaking in the precious and fleeting seconds of their childhood. I’d say I achieve this higher level of being for about 17 seconds a day but it’s a work in progress.

So to all the other bored moms out there who haven’t changed your yoga pants in a week and are tripping on dry shampoo fumes I see you. It’s ok to be so blissfully and incredibly bored you want to jump out of your skin on a daily basis. It’s ok to fantasize about sending a nuclear warhead straight at the bubble gup while stroking your toddlers downy head and realizing you wouldn’t trade this shit for the world.