It’s that special time of year. January – when resolutions abound and the slingers of juice, smoothies and supplements go crazy. If you’re on social media and have anywhere between 1 and 874 pounds to lose doubtless you’ve seen the message.
“Hi Hannah! Omg it’s been so long!!” The classless canary trills. You reach deep into your memory and far back in her facebook album to sleuth up some form of a connection.
“Your kids are sooooooooo cute (insert multiple heart related emojis here) I just want to bite them/squish their faces/make turkey gravy out of their thighs
“Anyways I know we haven’t spoken since the Civil War but I just wanted to touch base with you because I’ve recently launched my business selling pure science based activia reorienting chi-consuming tea supplements. They’re rectal suppositories you insert 6 times a day to help cleanse your body of toxins. After the holiday your small intestine is holding on to pounds of sludge, toxins, gluten, tinsel and bad karma. Our patented system is the only one on the market that’s clinically proven by no less than 2 scientists who have not yet lost their medical license to help you lose weight fast so you can fit back into those yoga pants you’ve been holding on to!
I know it can be expensive but for only $19.99 a day you can be a whole new you! Energy! Pizzazz! Hair like Elton John! The ass of a Kardashian (legal has told us we need to make it clear that it will be Rob Kardashians ass, but he still has a pretty juicy booty, am i right ladies??). You drink coffee every day! More than one cup! Mom Life, right?? *FAKE BRITTLE LAUGH TO TRY AND FIND SOME COMMON GROUND WHILE MY SOUL IS BEING CRUSHED BY MOUNTING CREDIT CARD DEBT**
What about giving up those 5 cups of Starbucks everyday to launch yourself in to a whole new you?
But I’ll make the deal even sweeter! Join my down line and you’ll earn free products and if you work hard enough your very own yacht!! (*yacht sold seperately)
So what do you say, are you ready for me to introduce you to the new you? Spots at convention are selling out fast, what do you say we book this? Tulsa, Baby!! It’s $299 a night all inclusive, all you have to pay for is your hotel room, airfare, meals, transportation, CEO’s airfare from Houston and his legal bills for income tax fraud. And did I mention the SWAG?? Last year we got IPod shuffle’s!! Well, our table had to share one, but still it had some sick Britney preloaded on it!
So what do you say, champ? Are you ready for the first day of the rest of your life, Melissa? I can’t wait to have you on my team!!”
Now let me be clear, I don’t bear animosity towards all MLM’s – but in general their predatory behavior towards economically disadvantaged stay at home moms should be illegal. A company that truly believes in their product will pay someone a living wage with benefits to market and distribute, not rely on consumers to guilt trip their friends and family.
So this season maybe skip my name in your inbox. Because I just had a fucking baby and if someone tells me I need to lose the baby weight I may eat them.