Mom Pick up Lines

We all know those lines that gave us lady boners in our 20’s flew right out the box when that baby flew out of our box. So what gets moms of young toddlers going?

The dishwasher is empty

Nothing gets the mama juices running faster than some chore play. And I’m not talking just loading a few spoons into the dishwasher and calling it a day, I want dishes to completion. Cleaned, dried, put away in the right place and the right order, oh baby. You so clean you dirty.

I’ll put the kids to bed

Oh hell yes, you know who else you’ll be putting to bed?

So I was just reading on Kellymom

You mean to tell me when you were upstairs taking one of your epic monster 30 minute shits you were reading a breastfeeding blog not ESPN (or at least not the whole time)? My good man.


Let’s be honest, when you have young kids sleep becomes currency. You offer me an uninterrupted night of sleep I’ll put out faster than a hooker at Mardi Gras (does that even make sense? I don’t know I’m too sleep deprived).

Shirtless Ian Malcolm

Don’t over think it.

Cancelled Plans

I love a good outing with my children. Haha fuck you. As much as I love leaving the house with my horde of humans cancelled plans and the opportunity to stay on the couch in my yoga pants and three day old mom bun is my jam. And if that visual doesn’t get the old peg leg hopping I don’t know what will.

Silver Fox Ian Malcolm

You’re a fine wine, my friend.

I called the babysitter

Ain’t nothing sexier than a man with a plan.

But the sexiest thing your partner can do?

This shit right here.

Especially if your partner is Jeff Goldblum. Is he even married? I should find out. No I shouldn’t just kidding.

I’m probably going to google it.

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